It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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