I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well I just put wine in my tea
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
