Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
