the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
