I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Plan B is the new Plan A
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
