Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
