I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
