Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
