I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
