i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
