Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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