woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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