So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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