I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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