Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
