Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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