My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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