I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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