I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
