i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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