White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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