I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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