She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
