I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
