so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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