How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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