she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
