I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
