Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
there is glitter all over my balls
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
