She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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