She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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