My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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