Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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