He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
