I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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