Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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