I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
