JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
