I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
