she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
