my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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