Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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