Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
