What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
