First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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