Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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