Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
