You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
