The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
