Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
