I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
