Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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