i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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