i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.