Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
