i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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